Morning Selfie Project

The Morning Selfie:

Morning Selfie - August  31, 2010

Morning Selfie – August 31, 2010

I am not a vain person.  To be very honest, I have really low self-esteem and I do not like the way I look.  For most of my life, I have absolutely hated having my picture taken – often destroying any picture I found.  In 2010, after the end of a 4 year relationship, a friend suggested I start taking “selfies” as a way to improve my self-image.  By taking (lots) of selfie pictures, I was able to see myself as other people might view me.  I was able to figure out what colors and styles that I looked the best in.  Yes, I deleted most of the pictures that I did not like but I still had several that turned out good.  I started posting those good pictures on Facebook to show my family and friends.  The positive feedback I received was able to boost my self-esteem and helped me pull through the rough times.

Morning Selfie - July 13, 2010

Morning Selfie – July 13, 2010

In 2014, I once again was at the end of a long-term relationship – 3 years this time – so I started taking selfies again.  At first I was posting the good pictures to remind my ex of what he gave up … but then I realized that some of the pictures were absolutely stunning – even with my larger size.  Once I had moved on from my ex and started dating other guys, I kept up with posting the selfies as a way to remind myself that I am beautiful outside as well as inside – no matter how big I am. 

Morning Selfie - February 10, 2015

Morning Selfie – February 10, 2015

In the last couple of weeks, I have started receiving some negative feedback from some ladies – they are tired of seeing my morning selfies posted on Facebook.  When the first female made a comment about the pictures of myself, I just ignored it.  But after the 4th female commented about the pictures, I did some serious thinking about stopping my morning selfie project. 

After a lot of debate, I have decided to promote my selfie project rather than stopping it.  As women, we should be raising each other up rather than putting each other down.  If someone does not want to see the selfies on Facebook, they can unfollow, hide, or unfriend me.  Simple as that.  I would rather have positive people on my friend’s list than the” negative Nancy” person.

The Selfie Project:

Morning Selfie - January 30, 2015

Morning Selfie – January 30, 2015

I was challenged to post 30 selfies – over a period of time – even on days that I did not wear makeup.  I now challenge anyone reading this to post 30 selfies on Facebook with the tags #selfieproject and #webiweave.  Tag me on Twitter @webiweave.

Being Different in not bad!

Being different is not bad!

beingdifferent

People may hate you for being different and not living by society’s standards but deep down, they wish they had the courage to do the same.

 

Anxiety – part 2

Anxiety – part 2

anxietyattacks

Anxiety attacks are not always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth.  Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:

Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability.  Nit picking – obsessive behavior, which may be a part of OCD – and even hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change.  Fast-talking, stuttering, stumbling over words.  Not talking at all.  Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming to “zone-out”.

Understanding the way our or other’s anxiety works can help to decrease the stigma and help calm a person faster and get them out of that state.  These are just a few, but it gives an idea of the range in which attacks can come.

Anxiety – part 1

Anxiety – part 1

anxiety - part1

Tips to help with an anxiety attack:  Look around you.  Find 5 things you can see.  Find 4 things you can touch.  Find 3 things you can hear.  Find 2 things that you can smell.  Find 1 thing you can taste.

This is called grounding.  It can help when you feel like you have lost all control of your surroundings.

This can also help you talk someone through an anxiety attack.

 

 

 

 

Abused and Broken

Abused and Broken

abusedandbroken

If she flinches when you go to put your arm around her, someone else’s hand once wasn’t too sweet.  If she questions you, someone else lied to her.  If she doesn’t tell you things, someone else once betrayed her secrets.  Behind every cranky, complicated girl – or girl who is scared to love – is a girl who is tired of being broken.

Hysterectomy at 32 years old

(This is a continuation of the story about coming to term with my miscarriages and my brush with cancer.)

After the results of my Pap smear came back as “abnormal,” my doctor did minor procedures known as a colposcopy and an endocervical curettage – where the doctor takes a tissue sample from the cervix and the endocervical canal (between the cervix and uterus) to check for pre-cancer or cancer cells. During a colposcopy, the doctor will spray the cervix with a vinegar solution which turns the abnormal cells white. At my colposcopy appointment, when the doctor sprayed my cervix, he told me that at least half of my cervix was affected and that he was taking samples from several areas. A week or so after the biopsies, I received another dreaded phone call. The results of the colposcopy had come back and the doctor was referring me to a gynecological oncologist.

cervical_cancerAt my appointment with the gynecological oncologist, the doctor told me that my test results showed that at least 2/3 of my cervix had level 3 precancerous cells, the last stage before full blown cancer. I was rather numb after hearing the dreaded “C” word so what I remember is kind of sketchy. I was given a couple of options to remove the cancer cells. The first option was a procedure where the doctor numbs the cervix and uses a laser to burn off the affected cells. The next option is called cryotherapy, which freezes the abnormal cell. Since my cervix was 2/3 affected, these procedures would probably have to be done more than once to get all of the cells, so this was not the best option. The other option was a hysterectomy to remove the cervix, endocervical canal, and the uterus.

hysterectomy2While I was heartbroken over the thought of not being able to have children, especially since I was hoping to have children with my new boyfriend, I had known that I would probably have to have a hysterectomy since I was 16 years old when I started having a lot of female trouble. My mother was with me at the appointment and after a brief conversation, I decided that the hysterectomy was the only option. Given the amount of pain I was in, the doctor scheduled me for the first opening in his surgery schedule, November 21, 2011.

The hysterectomy was done as a robotic laparoscopy, where 5 small incisions are made on the stomach. The healing time is a lot faster than the old fashioned hysterectomy where the woman was cut across the stomach. I had a total hysterectomy, which removes the uterus, cervix and endocervical canal. (A partial hysterectomy removes just the uterus and a radical hysterectomy removes the vagina, uterus, cervix and endocervical canal.) The doctor also removed my left ovary and fallopian tube, which had a lot of scar tissue from the large cyst that was removed when I was 16 years old. The ovary and fallopian tube had a few small cysts when the doctor removed them. My right ovary looked normal so the doctor left it in hopes that it would produce enough hormones that I would not have to be on hormone replacements. The tissue removed was sent off for testing. While I was given pain medicine to keep from getting too sore, I really wasn’t in as much pain as I was with the miscarriages. The evening after the surgery, I was up and walking the halls of the hospital. I was eager to get home to my boyfriend, my cats, and my bed. The next morning I was able to go home but was told to take it really easy for several days and to wait 6 to 8 weeks before having intercourse. Taking it easy is something I am really good at so there wasn’t much concern about me over doing it right away. After a couple days, I was feeling so much better that my boyfriend had to keep reminding me to take it easy.

da_Vinci_female-nurse_PC_sterileAt my check up with the doctor, he told me about the test results from the tissue samples. The pre-cancerous/cancer cells had spread to the endocervical canal and the uterus, as well as most of the cervix. (Hmmm … could this be why I was in so much pain for over 2 years?) The doctor also told me that he had never seen anything like my left ovary. On top of scar tissue and cysts, the ovary had calcified. (Another reason for the pain I was in?) The test on the ovary tissue came back as non-cancerous. The doctor didn’t really tell me anything else other than he was able to remove all of the pre-cancerous/cancer cells and I would be able to return to my normal daily activities after the incisions on my stomach had completely healed.

It took a while for my stomach incisions to heal due to some minor infection. Physically, I healed completely … emotionally, I am still struggling. My one remaining ovary decides to work at random times, which keeps my hormones unbalanced. I have had issues with depression for most of my life and the fluctuating hormone level has a very negative effect on my emotional state. Coming to terms with not being able to have children really hits me hard at times. I still have dreams of holding and nursing a healthy baby, of playing with a little girl with strawberry blonde curls and bright green eyes, of rocking a little boy to sleep. Being around people with children, especially babies, is almost too much for me to handle most of the time. I honestly think the pain is worse now than it was right after my surgery. I have pretty much isolated myself away from friends and family members who have children in an effort to save myself some pain. People who do not know about my surgery will ask when my boyfriend and I are going to have children … it absolutely breaks my heart when I have to tell them that I can’t have children. I question whether or not I should break up with my boyfriend. It is really not fair to him to never have children just because I am not able to. Is he staying with me because he feels sorry for me? I feel like I should be alone so that it is not a burden to anyone else.

As the depression gets worse, so do the suicidal thoughts. It is a daily battle – sometimes hourly battle – to not hurt myself. I am already seeing a counselor once a week but I can’t tell that it is getting any better. I don’t have the money to get back on the depression and anxiety medicine. I have even considered checking myself into a hospital to get help but I am not able to do that and keep my newspaper route, which is our only source of income at this point. My only outlet for my emotions is my writing. By telling my story, I hope to help other people who are going through similar problems.

Prayers for Rosa Evans Falkner

This lady is a survivor who is fighting another battle – please donate to help with medical bills if you are able to – send prayers and positive thoughts her way!!!   

This message was written by Rosa’s daughter:
My mama Rosa Evans Falkner moved here from Germany in her 20’s.  She married my dad while he served in the US Army. She learned English, went to school and became a nurse which she loved. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and beat it 12years ago. Now she has lung cancer, Squamous cell carcinoma of the lung stage 3a.  Her chance for a cure is slim but we have a lot of faith in God.  She has a long road ahead of chemo and radiation, her and my stepdad are retired and on fixed incomes.  My mama has been there for so many hundreds of people over the years and for me every single time I needed someone, so this is my way to help her, so she won’t be so worried about the burden of the cost of her treatments. If I could do them for her I would so maybe in this small way I can help.”

RosaFalkner(Rosa is on the right with her daughter in the middle and her mother-in-law on the left.)

Visit the prayer page on Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/Rosaevansfalkner

~~~~~~~

Update: February 15, 2015

Rosa lost her battle with cancer.  Prayers and positive thoughts for the family.

Haters part 2

hatersThe ones who say “you can’t” and “you won’t” are probably the ones scared that “you will”!  Haters will try to talk you out of trying new things – often telling you that “you can’t” do something, “you won’t” make it or succeed, and “you shouldn’t” even try.   Haters will tell you these things because either they tried and failed or they are too scared to even try.

Just remember that the positive people in your life want to see you succeed no matter what!

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